Well, hello there, dear reader. It's been quite a while, hasn't it?
I found today that I need my therapist back. It's been a long time coming, and honestly, for a while, I didn't know where to turn. I had forgotten about you, but when I asked an acquaintance today how he handled the situation I currently find myself in, he said he blogged.
My first thought was, seriously? This guy is a prolific writer and has one of the best known professional blogs around. People from around the world know him because of his writing, and I wondered how it was that when he was feeling the shit storm coming down, that he could just sit down and write. He truly is a different person than me, and I admire his tenacity, but with everything I'm going through that's work related, there is no way I could write on my professional blog about professional things and keep my emotions out of it.
It took me the better part of the day to figure out that my therapy was also, indeed, blogging, but that I needed to do it in a different way. I needed to come back here to speak my mind.
Plus, I needed to dump some paint thinner in a large cup with some orange juice and have at it.
Now, I get where my colleague was coming from. He became the best person at his job that he could be given the situation, and got his name out there by writing in a professional manner. It landed him one of the jobs I interviewed for last year, so obviously, it worked for him. I get the why and the how, but I wear my emotions on my sleeve and if I start writing about something, anything, work related without blowing off some steam first, my professional writing is going to suffer.
And obviously I need to do something differently to start getting my name out there, professionally. I've struck out at least half a dozen times in the last year. That's right, more than 6 interviews and nothing to show for it.
As I said when we last spoke, this is a very unusual situation for me to be in. Up until last year, I'd never interviewed for a job that I wasn't ultimately offered. The final straw came in the last couple of weeks. I applied for a job I felt I was completely qualified for and never even got a call for an interview. I even emailed one of the supervisors for the position and never received a response. And last week, I found out about a job that would have been perfect that had been open for a month but wasn't advertised in any of the places I normally look, so I put in my application on Friday and found out today that someone else got the job. My references had just gotten my reference forms this morning.
The guy who got the job is also a colleague, and I'm really happy for him because he's been looking for a while, but I was kicking myself because he was recommended for the job by someone we both interviewed with a couple of months ago. The difference was, I withdrew my application after the first interview because I knew the job wasn't heading in the direction I wanted to ultimately end up. He went for a second interview, didn't get the job, but got recommended for this job, which is EXACTLY the direction I wanted to head.
So, of course, I'm full of "what-ifs," because it turns out that this is the same guy who got a position that I turned down 4 years ago, and all I can do now is what-if the whole thing. What if I'd taken that position 4 years ago. What if I hadn't withdrawn from this latest interview. What if I'd looked at the company's web site instead of relying on third party sites (which, trust me, won't happen again. I have a whole list of sites to check now). What if they'd actually advertised outside of their own site?
To say I'm extremely frustrated is an understatement. To say I'm extremely disappointed is an understatement. Nothing about my current job has changed since I last wrote about it a year ago. The leadership still has their head up their ass. I'm still not doing what I love to do. The only change is that now I feel like my boss is the greatest factor in my unhappiness. He seems to be intentionally sabotaging our department, taking us further and further away from what I was hired to do because he's in a pissing match with one or more of the senior leaders.
I come home almost every day thinking, "I hate my job," and that's not something I take lightly. If I was not making the amount of money I'm making now, I'd take another job in a heartbeat. But at this point, the best I can do is to keep applying for the jobs I really want and just try to stick it out at my current job. There is no point in me taking a job that isn't going to move me toward my ultimate goal of being in charge of a department like the one I'm currently in, because if one of those jobs opens, I'll apply for it. So to take a job just to get out of where I'm currently working would be a disservice to whomever hired me.
OK...the vodka is evidently starting to kick in because I can't type a coherent sentence anymore, so I"m going to say good night for now. But I think I will be back soon.
As always...thanks for reading.
Tuesday, May 07, 2013
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
More on the bathroom thing
I have a 2 year old. You get to hear about potty training.
Peach has gone the last couple of weeks without wearing diapers during the day. We will occasionally put her in a pull up if we know we're going to be someplace without bathroom access for a while, but for the most part, she's in underwear.
The first few days we had some accidents, but she's pretty much been accident free for a couple of weeks.
Now we're working on the night time stuff. Which is a lot harder.
We have Peach in a toddler bed (which is really just her crib with one side taken off), and a guard rail along the open side. She can get in and out of bed on her own, but unlike her sister, she won't get out of bed unless someone comes and tells her to.
When Peanut was her age (and actually before she was 2), she would climb out of bed and knock on the inside of her door so that one of us would come to open it (she hadn't figured out how to open the door yet). There were times at night that I had to go into her room and yell at her to get into bed because I could hear her out of bed, playing with her toys in the dark.
Peach has never done that, preferring instead to lay in bed and cry for one of us to come get her. Which is where I found myself at 4 AM, with her laying in bed yelling, "Dadaaaaaaaa. My Daddyyyyyyy. Peeeeeee peeeee!"
When I went to pick her up, her diaper was dry, so we went into the bathroom. She sat down, did her thing, and when I asked her if she was done, she said, "No. Poo poo."
Shit.
I knew what that meant.
Half an hour later, when she decided she was done (I have no idea if she went or not), I put her back to bed, and started at the ceiling for the next hour until the alarm went off.
I'm conflicted. At one point, Juice came in and told her, "Just go in your diaper," and I said, "Don't tell her that!" I WANT her to go in the bathroom. I just don't want her to wake me up at 4 AM to do it. But that's the price we pay as parents.
So this morning, Juice and I discussed taking the rail off her bed. The problem is, there isn't anything to stop her from rolling out. With Peanut's daybed, there were little half rails that came out about a foot on both sides of the open edge, so presumably, if she rolled over, she would at least hit something, provided she wasn't rolled into a ball right in the middle of the bed.
Peach's doesn't have that. So I may be doing a little carpentry this weekend and teaching my child that it's OK to get out of bed to go to the bathroom at night.
Peach has gone the last couple of weeks without wearing diapers during the day. We will occasionally put her in a pull up if we know we're going to be someplace without bathroom access for a while, but for the most part, she's in underwear.
The first few days we had some accidents, but she's pretty much been accident free for a couple of weeks.
Now we're working on the night time stuff. Which is a lot harder.
We have Peach in a toddler bed (which is really just her crib with one side taken off), and a guard rail along the open side. She can get in and out of bed on her own, but unlike her sister, she won't get out of bed unless someone comes and tells her to.
When Peanut was her age (and actually before she was 2), she would climb out of bed and knock on the inside of her door so that one of us would come to open it (she hadn't figured out how to open the door yet). There were times at night that I had to go into her room and yell at her to get into bed because I could hear her out of bed, playing with her toys in the dark.
Peach has never done that, preferring instead to lay in bed and cry for one of us to come get her. Which is where I found myself at 4 AM, with her laying in bed yelling, "Dadaaaaaaaa. My Daddyyyyyyy. Peeeeeee peeeee!"
When I went to pick her up, her diaper was dry, so we went into the bathroom. She sat down, did her thing, and when I asked her if she was done, she said, "No. Poo poo."
Shit.
I knew what that meant.
Half an hour later, when she decided she was done (I have no idea if she went or not), I put her back to bed, and started at the ceiling for the next hour until the alarm went off.
I'm conflicted. At one point, Juice came in and told her, "Just go in your diaper," and I said, "Don't tell her that!" I WANT her to go in the bathroom. I just don't want her to wake me up at 4 AM to do it. But that's the price we pay as parents.
So this morning, Juice and I discussed taking the rail off her bed. The problem is, there isn't anything to stop her from rolling out. With Peanut's daybed, there were little half rails that came out about a foot on both sides of the open edge, so presumably, if she rolled over, she would at least hit something, provided she wasn't rolled into a ball right in the middle of the bed.
Peach's doesn't have that. So I may be doing a little carpentry this weekend and teaching my child that it's OK to get out of bed to go to the bathroom at night.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Potty mouth
I've decided that Peach is like Juice when it comes to the bathroom. Peanut is like me.
I like to get in, do my business, and get out. Peanut is the same way. Peachy on the other hand, likes to sit in there, look around, have a conversation, and take her time.
We're potty training (yes, I know she's coming up on 3, but this kid doesn't do anything until she's damn well ready to do it) and so one of us will go and sit with her when she's going potty to make sure she wipes, and just to keep her company.
Yesterday, I was with her when she said she needed to go, so I sat with her. While she was waiting for everything to make its way through, she started talking to me.
"Fwowers on"
"Are there flowers on the wallpaper?"
"Yes. Ma fwowers," pointing to another flower.
"Yes, there are lot of flowers on the wallpaper."
"Yook! My beyee button!"
"I see your belly button."
"You? See?"
"No, you don't need to see my belly button."
"Baby cousin has beyee button?"
"Yes, she has a belly button."
"Aunt Sisah do's?"
"Yes, Aunt Sister does too."
"Untle B-Yay do's?"
"Yes, Uncle B-Ray has one too."
...and on and on and on. For 20 minutes. I need to get this kid some bathroom books.
Yesterday, I was with her when she said she needed to go, so I sat with her. While she was waiting for everything to make its way through, she started talking to me.
"Fwowers on"
"Are there flowers on the wallpaper?"
"Yes. Ma fwowers," pointing to another flower.
"Yes, there are lot of flowers on the wallpaper."
"Yook! My beyee button!"
"I see your belly button."
"You? See?"
"No, you don't need to see my belly button."
"Baby cousin has beyee button?"
"Yes, she has a belly button."
"Aunt Sisah do's?"
"Yes, Aunt Sister does too."
"Untle B-Yay do's?"
"Yes, Uncle B-Ray has one too."
...and on and on and on. For 20 minutes. I need to get this kid some bathroom books.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
The J-O-B
I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately, as well as a lot of job searching.
Ever since we moved back to San Antonio, I've been trying to get into the top job in my field. There have been openings, but over the past 7 years, most of them have been outside of San Antonio, and moving away just isn't a choice for our family.
This year, everything cut loose all at the same time. I've put in 3 applications over the past 2 months. I've gotten 2 interviews, and one job that I applied for hasn't scheduled interviews yet.
Unfortunately, I haven't been offered anything new, which is something I'm not used to. It has been a rare instance throughout my career that I haven't been offered a job that I interviewed for.
There is one more potential opening that I keep waiting to be posted, but at this point, I'm getting really discouraged.
Over the past couple of months, I've been in a funk because I get called for an interview, then I don't get the job. In the meantime, I start thinking I'm going to get it, so I don't start anything new at work, then when I don't get it, I'm stuck because I have all of these things that I should get started on.
The other reason for the funk is because I got put into a new position this year, but it's not a position I wanted or asked for. I've been put in charge of a bunch of people in my department, and in fact, I now supervise more people in the department than anyone else, except the director. So I have all of this extra responsibility, but I'm being pulled away from doing the things that I really loved doing. And all of this without any kind of raise.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not unhappy about my job. The people that I supervise are a really good group, and I laugh more now, on a daily basis, than I ever have in the last 4 years, but I'm still trying to adjust to this new job and I've been at it for 6 months.
It doesn't help that the leadership where I work doesn't seem to know whether they're coming or going. They want to micromanage, but can't keep up with all of the things they want to manage, so everyone at lower levels knows that if you don't really want to do something, you don't really have to even start, and in a few weeks they'll forget about it.
Ugh...I can tell I haven't written very much at all because this just sounds like a jumbled mess. And I feel awful coming here just to dump on you all again.
But you all are my therapy. At least I've figured that out...I need a release, a place to talk about all of this, and being able to anonymously spew to the Interwebs is my way of doing that.
So...thanks for listening, again, and sorry to dump on you, again.
Ever since we moved back to San Antonio, I've been trying to get into the top job in my field. There have been openings, but over the past 7 years, most of them have been outside of San Antonio, and moving away just isn't a choice for our family.
This year, everything cut loose all at the same time. I've put in 3 applications over the past 2 months. I've gotten 2 interviews, and one job that I applied for hasn't scheduled interviews yet.
Unfortunately, I haven't been offered anything new, which is something I'm not used to. It has been a rare instance throughout my career that I haven't been offered a job that I interviewed for.
There is one more potential opening that I keep waiting to be posted, but at this point, I'm getting really discouraged.
Over the past couple of months, I've been in a funk because I get called for an interview, then I don't get the job. In the meantime, I start thinking I'm going to get it, so I don't start anything new at work, then when I don't get it, I'm stuck because I have all of these things that I should get started on.
The other reason for the funk is because I got put into a new position this year, but it's not a position I wanted or asked for. I've been put in charge of a bunch of people in my department, and in fact, I now supervise more people in the department than anyone else, except the director. So I have all of this extra responsibility, but I'm being pulled away from doing the things that I really loved doing. And all of this without any kind of raise.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not unhappy about my job. The people that I supervise are a really good group, and I laugh more now, on a daily basis, than I ever have in the last 4 years, but I'm still trying to adjust to this new job and I've been at it for 6 months.
It doesn't help that the leadership where I work doesn't seem to know whether they're coming or going. They want to micromanage, but can't keep up with all of the things they want to manage, so everyone at lower levels knows that if you don't really want to do something, you don't really have to even start, and in a few weeks they'll forget about it.
Ugh...I can tell I haven't written very much at all because this just sounds like a jumbled mess. And I feel awful coming here just to dump on you all again.
But you all are my therapy. At least I've figured that out...I need a release, a place to talk about all of this, and being able to anonymously spew to the Interwebs is my way of doing that.
So...thanks for listening, again, and sorry to dump on you, again.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
The big 4 - 0
Quick note: I may or may not be back. I just needed somewhere to put this. We'll see how it goes.
In less than 5 minutes, I will have been on this earth for 40 years.
I hadn't really though all that much about turning 40 until this weekend. It certainly wasn't something that had preoccupied me as it does some people. But getting to that milestone certain makes one think. Over the past day or two, I've been thinking a lot about my life, especially the last half of it (the last 20 years). So much about me has changed, and it's amazing to think about how few memories I have of my first 20 years, but how vivid my memories are of the last 20.
It's surreal to me to think that things I remember happening as if they were yesterday are already 20 years in the past.
I still judge time by how it felt when I was a kid. When I was in high school, "40 years ago" was the time at the end of World War II, and there had been two other wars in the interim. Now, 40 years ago is the time of Vietnam, and again, there have been two wars in the interim. Black and white versus color has changed to film versus digital. It makes you realize just how short this life we live is.
My 20's were so full of change...finishing school, getting my first real job, quitting that job for a better job, living completely on my own for the first time, getting engaged, then breaking it off (more than once) making decisions that would change the course of my life. All of those things happened 10-20 years ago.
The past 10 years has been full of more adult decisions. Going to grad school, quitting a job that was making my life hell, moving back to Texas, getting married, having children, stopping having children, not taking a better job because of how it would impact my family.
What will the next 10 years hold? The next 20? All I know is that I'll be looking back at it all in 2032 wondering where all the time went.
When you're young, you don't dwell on these things. Life seems like it will go on forever. It's only when you hit a milestone like this that you're forced to face your own mortality.
No wonder people have mid-life crises.
In less than 5 minutes, I will have been on this earth for 40 years.
I hadn't really though all that much about turning 40 until this weekend. It certainly wasn't something that had preoccupied me as it does some people. But getting to that milestone certain makes one think. Over the past day or two, I've been thinking a lot about my life, especially the last half of it (the last 20 years). So much about me has changed, and it's amazing to think about how few memories I have of my first 20 years, but how vivid my memories are of the last 20.
It's surreal to me to think that things I remember happening as if they were yesterday are already 20 years in the past.
I still judge time by how it felt when I was a kid. When I was in high school, "40 years ago" was the time at the end of World War II, and there had been two other wars in the interim. Now, 40 years ago is the time of Vietnam, and again, there have been two wars in the interim. Black and white versus color has changed to film versus digital. It makes you realize just how short this life we live is.
My 20's were so full of change...finishing school, getting my first real job, quitting that job for a better job, living completely on my own for the first time, getting engaged, then breaking it off (more than once) making decisions that would change the course of my life. All of those things happened 10-20 years ago.
The past 10 years has been full of more adult decisions. Going to grad school, quitting a job that was making my life hell, moving back to Texas, getting married, having children, stopping having children, not taking a better job because of how it would impact my family.
What will the next 10 years hold? The next 20? All I know is that I'll be looking back at it all in 2032 wondering where all the time went.
When you're young, you don't dwell on these things. Life seems like it will go on forever. It's only when you hit a milestone like this that you're forced to face your own mortality.
No wonder people have mid-life crises.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Just not feeling it
You know, there have been many times over the past couple of years, and especially over the past 12 months where I thought about quitting. Just shutting this thing down and letting my writing slip away into Internet oblivion.
Then something will happen, and I'll need to vent, and I'll come running back to you.
And really, it's not fair to you.
You never know when I'm going to be here, or for how long, and I'm sure you're sick and tired of my whining when I do come back.
And yet, ever time I think about giving up, I just can't do it. OK, I did it once, but I saved everything first because I had a feeling I'd be back.
But now...I'm not so sure. I mean, I want to tell you about the things that are going on around my house, but it seems like I just have no motivation to do anything lately.
The one year anniversary of the beginning of our ordeal with CPS was stressful for me. It happened during my birthday week, and really sort of overshadowed everything. We are so grateful to be done with everything, but there is still that fear in the back of my mind that some day it's going to come back to haunt us.
And at this point...I feel like I have nothing left to say. I've been at this for almost 6 years, and I've gone from posting a few times a week to a few times a month. Things have been on a stead decline for 3 years.
I wish that I could promise you more of me, but I'm just not feeling it anymore. So my first post of 2011 may very well be my last. We'll see. Keep me around in your RSS reader, but don't be surprised if I don't say anything for a long time.
Thanks for reading.
I'll see you down the road...
Then something will happen, and I'll need to vent, and I'll come running back to you.
And really, it's not fair to you.
You never know when I'm going to be here, or for how long, and I'm sure you're sick and tired of my whining when I do come back.
And yet, ever time I think about giving up, I just can't do it. OK, I did it once, but I saved everything first because I had a feeling I'd be back.
But now...I'm not so sure. I mean, I want to tell you about the things that are going on around my house, but it seems like I just have no motivation to do anything lately.
The one year anniversary of the beginning of our ordeal with CPS was stressful for me. It happened during my birthday week, and really sort of overshadowed everything. We are so grateful to be done with everything, but there is still that fear in the back of my mind that some day it's going to come back to haunt us.
And at this point...I feel like I have nothing left to say. I've been at this for almost 6 years, and I've gone from posting a few times a week to a few times a month. Things have been on a stead decline for 3 years.
I wish that I could promise you more of me, but I'm just not feeling it anymore. So my first post of 2011 may very well be my last. We'll see. Keep me around in your RSS reader, but don't be surprised if I don't say anything for a long time.
Thanks for reading.
I'll see you down the road...
Friday, December 24, 2010
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