Well, hello there, dear reader. It's been quite a while, hasn't it?
I found today that I need my therapist back. It's been a long time coming, and honestly, for a while, I didn't know where to turn. I had forgotten about you, but when I asked an acquaintance today how he handled the situation I currently find myself in, he said he blogged.
My first thought was, seriously? This guy is a prolific writer and has one of the best known professional blogs around. People from around the world know him because of his writing, and I wondered how it was that when he was feeling the shit storm coming down, that he could just sit down and write. He truly is a different person than me, and I admire his tenacity, but with everything I'm going through that's work related, there is no way I could write on my professional blog about professional things and keep my emotions out of it.
It took me the better part of the day to figure out that my therapy was also, indeed, blogging, but that I needed to do it in a different way. I needed to come back here to speak my mind.
Plus, I needed to dump some paint thinner in a large cup with some orange juice and have at it.
Now, I get where my colleague was coming from. He became the best person at his job that he could be given the situation, and got his name out there by writing in a professional manner. It landed him one of the jobs I interviewed for last year, so obviously, it worked for him. I get the why and the how, but I wear my emotions on my sleeve and if I start writing about something, anything, work related without blowing off some steam first, my professional writing is going to suffer.
And obviously I need to do something differently to start getting my name out there, professionally. I've struck out at least half a dozen times in the last year. That's right, more than 6 interviews and nothing to show for it.
As I said when we last spoke, this is a very unusual situation for me to be in. Up until last year, I'd never interviewed for a job that I wasn't ultimately offered. The final straw came in the last couple of weeks. I applied for a job I felt I was completely qualified for and never even got a call for an interview. I even emailed one of the supervisors for the position and never received a response. And last week, I found out about a job that would have been perfect that had been open for a month but wasn't advertised in any of the places I normally look, so I put in my application on Friday and found out today that someone else got the job. My references had just gotten my reference forms this morning.
The guy who got the job is also a colleague, and I'm really happy for him because he's been looking for a while, but I was kicking myself because he was recommended for the job by someone we both interviewed with a couple of months ago. The difference was, I withdrew my application after the first interview because I knew the job wasn't heading in the direction I wanted to ultimately end up. He went for a second interview, didn't get the job, but got recommended for this job, which is EXACTLY the direction I wanted to head.
So, of course, I'm full of "what-ifs," because it turns out that this is the same guy who got a position that I turned down 4 years ago, and all I can do now is what-if the whole thing. What if I'd taken that position 4 years ago. What if I hadn't withdrawn from this latest interview. What if I'd looked at the company's web site instead of relying on third party sites (which, trust me, won't happen again. I have a whole list of sites to check now). What if they'd actually advertised outside of their own site?
To say I'm extremely frustrated is an understatement. To say I'm extremely disappointed is an understatement. Nothing about my current job has changed since I last wrote about it a year ago. The leadership still has their head up their ass. I'm still not doing what I love to do. The only change is that now I feel like my boss is the greatest factor in my unhappiness. He seems to be intentionally sabotaging our department, taking us further and further away from what I was hired to do because he's in a pissing match with one or more of the senior leaders.
I come home almost every day thinking, "I hate my job," and that's not something I take lightly. If I was not making the amount of money I'm making now, I'd take another job in a heartbeat. But at this point, the best I can do is to keep applying for the jobs I really want and just try to stick it out at my current job. There is no point in me taking a job that isn't going to move me toward my ultimate goal of being in charge of a department like the one I'm currently in, because if one of those jobs opens, I'll apply for it. So to take a job just to get out of where I'm currently working would be a disservice to whomever hired me.
OK...the vodka is evidently starting to kick in because I can't type a coherent sentence anymore, so I"m going to say good night for now. But I think I will be back soon.
As always...thanks for reading.